Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize