I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
