Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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