new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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