I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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