my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
