Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
