Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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