He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
