why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
where are my pants?
in the oven.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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