whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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