I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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