Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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