Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
