i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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