soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
