a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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