just come out here and I will go home with you...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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