Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
