Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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