my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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