I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
