Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
