What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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