I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
