I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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