If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
