I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
there's paper in my vomit.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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