Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
