Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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