I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am available for nakedness
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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