In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
