i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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