i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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