worst night to have a conscience
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
