I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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