I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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