the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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