Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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