is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
