mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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