In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
