I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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