So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
