i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
