Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
