nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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