I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
