Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
