you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
