I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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