Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
