you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize