She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
