i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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