You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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