Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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