Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
