she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
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