Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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