pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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