toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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