I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
