My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Come see our sink grown plant.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize