I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
