That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
