I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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