Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
