brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
