We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
