I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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