the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
