Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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