im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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